I will start by saying that I may or may not have photos with this blog, and this is raw unfiltered and may trigger emotions of rage and depression so proceed with caution.

Ok, so I changed my mind. So here goes nothing.

30 years of trauma and anger pain and questions. Why? Why did this happen to me, why did I not get justice. Why did no one listen to me. Why am I finding out now that it was all planned?

When I was 16 I was at a friends house, doing my homework minding my own business. I did not have boyfriends because that was not allowed. I will tell you that my step-fathers son molested my most of my teen years and I never told anyone. I kept it quiet because I liked him, and I thought this is what you have to do to get boys to like you, to notice you.

no one notices the smart, chunky girl that lives in a hud house whose mom gets food stamps and bust her tale to take care of 4 kids while her POS husband is out doing God knows what.

So I am there and there is a guy there visiting my friends brother. he is handsome, and popular. I have had a crush on this guy since I can remember what a crush was. What girl in the school didnt have a crush on him, I think that list would have been smaller.

So he is there and I go to take a shower and he brushed up against me in the hall, I stopped to say something smart and sassy because that is me. I look in his eyes and I kissed him and ran away.

That was it, I can tell my friends I kissed the cool guy they will all be jealous and I will go on living my teenage life like it was just another day.

WRONG!!!

My so-called friend, this guy and the friend’s boyfriend cooked up a plan to get me into a position that I did not want to be in. I was sitting up against the door of the bedroom doing my homework and cute guy comes to the door, sticks his hand around and pokes me in the side with something sharp. It hurt and it frighted me, then he did it again and again, it was not until he had poked me about 10 times that I realized there were small amounts of blood coming from the punctures.

When I removed my hands from the door, he pushed his way in and poked me 4 more times and pushed me onto the bed, he would them hold down my arms and he whispered in my ear to relax and just let him do what he knows I wanted, since I kissed him. I told him to stop, but he kept going. I could hear other voices in the room, but I couldn’t see them

after, I ran to the shower and I tried everything to get him off of me, no matter how hard I tried I could not get the feeling of dirty off, what did I do? Did I really tell him that I wanted to have sex by kissing him? How dare he ask where is your friend now, what will he think?

I ran home and immediately told my mom what happened, I didn’t want to be in trouble, I didn’t want God to be angry that I didn’t wait until marriage. My mom took me to the police station, and I made the report, they took my cloths, took pictures etc….. What they did not do was tell me how reporting this would be the easiest thing that I would do.

This guy was the star of the town, his mom worked at my school, everyone loved him.

Now, they all hate me

Death threats came, they hung a rat in my best friend’s locker for siding with me, she never backed down and she stood by me through it all.

They jumped my cousin and beat the tar out of him and his mom would throw my lunch at my every day.

I became suicidal and tried to kill myself; I just wanted out. I found that Tequilla makes you forget it all, so I began to drink, heavily. It wouldn’t be long after this that my best friend and I were in a horrific car accident, as if things in my life could get any worse.

Thankfully we all survived but not unscathed, my friend’s sister had rods in both legs, she was told she would never walk again, but God, she lettered in Track her senior year of high school. My friend had a head injury that would allow her to forget the night, and for that I am grateful, because I remember it all too well.

I was uninjured but remember it all like a bad dream and 3 days later I moved to Ohio, running from the drama and the trauma, pushing it all down like it did not happen. I dropped all charges, and creepy guy was able to go on with his life.

He took so many pieces of me and he never said

Fastforward 1998-graduation year I should be with my friends, the kids I grew up with, but I am not. I am in some Podunk town, not really, I love my town but at the time I was so angry that I was not with them on graduation day, to share those moments, to remember in 3rd grade that Lucas and Ricky would take my pencil and toss it in the ceiling and Ms. Mackey and her Python Monte, I wanted to be there with them

I was alone, with people I had only known for a short time. Graduation came and went, and now here I am 30 years later asking questions. Not because I am still mad.

I am no longer mad; I forgave creepy guy. I am married, I have a bachelor’s in accounting, I am a foster mom, a regular mom, I serve Jesus faithfully and he loves me so much he gave me a car. My life is full, and I still have questions.

Celebrate Recovery is a Christ centered recovery program, I am the leader in the teen program The Landing, and I have questions because I was a teen when this happened and I had no one. I want to know how I can advocate for them and be a light in a world that only knows darkness.

I want them to know that God does not orchestrate the bad things that happen, but he can use them for his Glory, look at me, that thing that happened to me was the worst thing(at the time) to have ever happened in my life, and God was able to take that and turn me into a power house for women all over the world.

I am an ambassador for human trafficking, I have rescued women from abusive relationships I have taught how to protect yourself and not place yourself in situations that you can be taken advantage of, so why do I still want to know why?

Human -I am and always will be human and I will always wonder. Why did you feel that was ok? Why did my friend feel that it was ok, why did she ignore me when I asked for help. why was I treated like the criminal. Why did I run away, why didn’t I stand and fight? Part 2 coming soon