Where do you go when you are shattered and broken? What kind of life do you lead when you feel that everything that you once believed is a lie? This was my life after I left home, I tried all the things to numb the pain, to just not feel it. I did things that I was absolutely sure that God would never forgive me.

I ran for so long that I did not think that I would be able to find my way back home.

Then God! Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not harm, to give you a hope and a future.

I did not have hope and I did not see a future, at this moment in my life you could say I was at rock bottom, but the bottom was about to get deeper.

November of 2012 I was in a toxic relationship with someone whom I had 2 boys with and a daughter that I had previously in an even more toxic relationship. I had decided that I wanted out, that my kids were too precious and too important for me to waist one more min in a place where they were not safe.

I left and we began our lives together, I was not withholding them from their dad, he had visitation, and he could take them any time he wanted; he just had to give them back. I did not want to involve the courts; there was no need. I worked and I provided their needs with me, and he worked, and he provided for them while they were with him. It was a good plan, but he was selfish, and he wanted more, he wanted them full time and he wanted me to pay child support because I made more money than he did. I did not think that was fair, I am sorry that your family did not support you or help you get a degree or go to college or find a trade, but that is a you problem not a me problem.

I worked very hard to get where I am and I have paid dearly for it; I did not get a free ride. long story short in January of 2014 I met a man a work, and he became my boyfriend and eventually my now husband. The ex-did not like the new man in the picture and on Father’s Day June 2014 he kidnapped my children; he took them and hid them and used my friends and other mutual acquaintances.

It was ON! he wants a fight he is about to get the fight of his life. I did not know that the boyfriend at the time would stay, leave or run for his life. I was a complete disaster. This felt like someone took my heart out of my chest and started to squeeze. I know now this is called anxiety or panic, but then I did not even know what that word meant. The next 15 months would be pure torcher. I would go to court 7 times in that time, and each time it would be reset because he would not agree to the terms. The 13th time I was able to stand before the judge and give all my evidence and my testimony of events, it was in this moment that I first began to feel God again in my life.

I Prayed that morning on the way to court, that someone would listen, that someone would see. That I was dying without my kids, not able to see or talk to them. My oldest was 7 and the youngest was 2 when they were taken, they are now 8 and 3. I needed them back. That day the judged ruled that I get full custody of both boys, that he has to return them to me by the end of day. He was not happy, he and his lawyer flipped.

I got to hold my kids that day, the moment would not last long. 2 weeks later we were back in court because his lawyer said that the terms were unfair to her client that he cannot afford to pay child support and she amended the custody papers to show that one is with me and the other is with dad. That means my boys are separated and when one comes to visit me, the other visits dad and they will never be together. NOPE

So the last court date, I was not privy to attend because I was not notified, but the dad received custody of the older son and I the younger, and they were to be together every weekend, so I get them both every other weekend and when they are not here, they are there. It was not what I wanted but at least I had them back, I could not afford to fight anymore. He knew that he had depleted my savings, and he was happy with that.

The next few years would be rough for my boys, the did not understand what was happening, I tried to make the transition easy for them, but their dad just did not make anything easy.

I would get married in 2016 to the man that walked into my life at a time when I was at my worst, and he loved me anyway. He was there for all the panic attacks, the crying fit, God knew that I needed him, he was my lobster, and I am so grateful for him.

Now we are married, I have 3 kids he has 2 and one of my kids and his kid (before we got married) made a decision that resulted in a 12-yr old being a father and 14-year-old being a mother, my husband and I did not feel that either of them was responsible or ready to be parents. We do not believe in abortion because life is important and God has a plan for each life, so my daughter gave birth to a son, and we raised him as our own. He would be the baby that God gave me and my husband, the baby we couldn’t have on our own. He is now 9 and he knows who his parents are and he gets to be with them and love them and he comes home with us.

We walked through a dark place during this time, it was here that I found Celebrate Recovery, a Christ centered recovery program for hurts, habits and hang-ups. I did even know there was such a program, but it saved my life and it led me to a deeper relationship with Christ.

it was here that I began to walk through the trauma from my childhood with women that had the same trauma, with women who had deeper trauma. I learned healthy was to deal with and to face it.

I learned how to forgive and why it is necessary for me, not them. I learned that forgiveness does not absolve them from what they did it frees you from the bondage of it. It tells you that you did not do anything wrong, that you did not deserve it. This was huge for me.

I learned about resentment and fear, anxiety and how all things are rooted in the same thing. Who we are, whose we are. Where do we belong? Where did we come from, why are we here? We have purpose and it is not to stew in the pain forever, our purpose is to bask in the sun and know that we have a savior and he loved us enough to pay for all our sins, and he makes us new.