I know that this sounds crazy or nasty, but this is a memory of my sister that I carry with me and will for the rest of my life.

We did not have the best life growing up, but we never knew that we were poor. Our mom made sure that we had everything that we needed and wanted. She would go without so that we could have.

There was a lot of hurt and trauma in my childhood, some I can remember but there are big chunks that are missing. I know that the brain protects you from certain trauma events because if you could remember it all it would likely cause more damage, so over time as you begin to heal your mind releases images .

I began attending Celebrate Recovery in 2017 because I was stretched thin, overwhelmed, overworked, and just plain exhausted with my life, my job, my family and mostly myself. I suffered with severe anxiety and depression with a side of ADD and OCD, those things would lead me to overclean.

Over Clean? How? See I would end up in the floor with a toothbrush and a bottle of bleach, and I would clean until my fingers bleed., I took medication for it, but I would forget or get tired of taking pills and I would do good for a few weeks then I was over the top again.

My emotions out of control. I ran everyone I loved away, when I was not happy with something I would just throw it away and start new. I did this with things and with people. If you hurt me, I was done with you. I became suicidal and mean.

I reached out to my pastor, and she led me to celebrate recovery. I am forever grateful that she did. I am know recovering and healing and thriving in my recovery. I have managed to overcome the severe OCD by meditating on the word of God and reading and proclaiming over my life that I am whole and healed and my brain is working, and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I have not had an anxiety attack in years.

Rabbit trail …. sorry, so as a kid my sister would come to me when she was scared and could not sleep, and she would ask me to make up stories about roaches. They calmed her, they made her feel safe. Not because she liked them because truth be told she actually hates them, especially the flying ones that we have in East Texas 🙂

I would tell her stories of roaches that traveled to distant places and ones that went on vacation in a shoe. Talking to a friend I had this memory of us in our room upstairs staring at the night sky through the skylight in our room and I remembered that this was the last time that the two of us slept under the same roof with our parents and they were both alive.

Over the years parents have passed and life has moved on, she has not needed a roach story in a while.

I have one waiting for when she calls and says

Sissy Tell me a Roach story.

I love you sister